There are good days and bad days.  Most days, I forget I even have this blog....unfortunately.  But, I need it.  I need a place to put my thoughts; Autism related or not.  But....it all usually comes back to that.  My life revolves around it; consciously, unconsciously, subconsciously....it's there.

Take for instance my job.  It is the single most stressful thing in my life: even more than Autism.  I have no feet, no direction, no perameters, no structure; yet I"m expected to get things done, run a restaurant, plan events, deal with staff, computer issues, guest issues, manage the ordering, do all of my admin duties; ALL without any help other than my trusted service leads.  (We just got a new GM.  Thank you Lord!  Truly!  Sarah is her name and quite a gem).

By the way, I was supossed to do all of this with little to no error after being in the company for months.  Two of those months without a GM, very little to no direction, dileniation of duty or much help in the day to day BS. 

By the way: my husband is out of work and we are homeschooling!  Whoo hoo!

I can't take it any more.  I"ve had it up to and over "here."  I know I have made honest and true errors, but come on.....give me a flippin break.  I can't be "emotional" here or "cry" because it's "baseball."  No crying in baseball!

I'm just tired.  I give up.  Don't know where to turn.  I"d rather eat bon bons, drink and watch stupid tv shows on netflix and escape right now.  Ok, a little protein and salad so I don't gain a ton of weight....but I need help.  Can't do it anymore.  So tired....so grustrated, so done in....

Just want something to change, etc.  Don't know what it is...but need some help.  Keep me in your thoughts and prayers.  Love to all! 

Krista

It's late, as usual.  My vampiric tendencies are taking over.....C'est la vie!

I'm trying to wrap my head around all of the social media aspects of getting my name out there (twitter, google+, linkedin, facebook, etc). 

I have a message and a voice.  A voice and a heart that wants to reach out to every parent and tell them they are not alone.  It's okay to feel angry, sad, glad; just feel. 

My hands long to reach out and touch, hold, protect each and every life affected with Autism and Autism Spectrum Disorder. 

 I think/look back with the eyes and knowledge I have now and see so much more.  For example, how well he was doing and how he gradually started to fade.  I get angry at what has been done to my child.  Damn vaccines.....that another story for another time. 

Other times when I look back; I think, wow, I still have so much to think about, work on, worry about.  (Adaptive Behaviors - oy!)  I get freaked out.  Yet, I'm grateful for those times as well.  It gives me perspective for what Cary has accomplished.  He has worked his little butt off.  I'm so darn proud of that kid.  BUT, I am his mom.  I know what still lies ahead, what needs to be done.  Puberty is just around the corner and it scares the hell out of me.  Talk about starting over....Dios Santo! 

For now, I will enjoy the moment.  The light in his eyes; the attention he pays now, the fact that the fog is begining to lift.  He is engaged and gets more and more cogniscent every day. 

The best way to wrap up this entry is to post "Welcome to Holland."  It's a poem that every special needs parent needs to read.  Funny and comforting.  :)

WELCOME TO HOLLAND

by
Emily Perl Kingsley.

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......
When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.
But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland

http://annedachel.com/2012/08/06/fast-tracking-autism-drug/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+annedachel-com+%28AnneDachel.com%29

This was the post I meant to put on earlier.........Seriously???!!! That's just what we need....more sh.. in our kids bodies! Like hell....(my exact words from my FB comment).

I wonder if Autism Stinks (oops, did I say that!?) is involved.  They do fund "research."  HAH!

It's been awhile.....

Life is what you make it....with autism, you REALLY make it up as you go along. 

This absence has been tumultous and a period of rediscovery. 

With that being said, let's proceed.

A tentative schedule of posts will be new recipes on Mondays, Tuesdays - News on Autism (food, diet, crazy remarks by the NIH and AAP); Wednesday - Tips for working with children with Autism (all from personal experience and what I have seen work.  I am not a therapist nor do I claim to be.  I"m a mom sharing my story and observations); Thursday - activities and websites, Friday - recap; Saturdays and Sundays - general family stuff....

I will keep you updated on everything else going on.  Big changes coming.....we will see what life gives us. 

Signing off for now.  We have the second half of Cary's eval tomorrow morning.....I hate early mornings!  Thank God he doesn't have issues getting up....going through the sliding doors and elevators....that could take hours!!!!  :)  It's all a blessing.  Besos. 

Activity suggestion tomorrow!

forgot to put the url in the post for recent posting of "sensitive post"

http://exposereport.com/enews/component/content/article/38-sex-offender-news/252-disabled-boy

Sensitive post. Be careful when you read this.

I don't often like to think, talk or post about things like this.  Unfortunately it's a reality when you have a child.  Much more so when you have a child with a disability.  This is disgusting and I for one want people to make calls to New Hampshire, officals etc. urging them to throw the book at this poor excuse for a human being.  I have no mercy for anything like this.  Thank God HE does.  His grace is sufficeint, thank you. 

How do you manage the stress?

Here a I am.  I had a great weekend with a fabulous kid and a wonderful husband.  BUT....(as their always is with our kids), C kept ticking all weekend long. 

I think it started again on Saturday at his soccer game.  People were yelling for him (go Cary!  Way to pass, etc) but I think all Cary heard was yelling.  He couldn't differenciate good and bad.  All he heard was yelling.  Poor kiddo.

Also, it was so sad (atleast for me) to watch as Cary diassociated about half- way through the game (they have enough kids to trade them out so they won't get tired).  A ball would pass right in front of him and he would be looking elsewhere.  So hard to watch.  He didn't care.  I just hurt for him.  Worried about what other people are thinking.  I get so tense.  I want him to fit-in so he won't be bullied or ridiculed but not so much that he "follows the pack." 

I want that individuality that I know he has.  To celebrate the beauty, uniqueness and joy that is Cary.  Maybe it is just me, my perceptions.  I grieve though.  I want to shield him from everything that might remotely hurt or stress him out.  In turn, it may be that very struggle going on inside of me that causes the stress ticks in him. 

Like Jenny McCarthy said; Evan will probably come to the mall to ride the escalator after prom.  Sounds like a fun date.  Appreciating our kids for what and who they are, not what we think (or society) thinks they should be. 

What do you think?